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Six steps to reconnect in marriage when you have small children

by | Sep 3, 2020 | Faith journey, Marriage, Motherhood | 5 comments

Recently I asked a mom friend: what would you like to see in our blog? She looked straight into my eyes and said: how to reconnect with our husbands. She has a toddler and a one-year-old, so in an instant, I got her.

Oh, those days with small children…the days you proclaim victory when you took a shower by yourself; or you were so sick of the yoga pants, so you put on a dress to walk a block just to feel a bit of normalcy. 

When I had my twins, my day was like groundhog day EVERY day.  IT WAS HARD!

I distinctly remember the words my husband said: “We are more like business partners tasked with raising children than husband and wife.“ He was not joking!

After six years of trial and error with small children in the house, our bond as husband and wife is stronger than ever.  So I want to share a few lessons of mine.

1. The marriage triangle.

Hold on to the truth that our marriages are the cornerstones of our families. Our husbands should take priority over our children—this is God’s design.

I’ve heard that a marriage should be viewed as a triangle.  There’s me, my husband, and God.  Even for the moms who has an unbelieving husband, daily prayer for your husband and family is essential.  

Thanking God for our blessings, praying for protection, and bearing our hearts to Him concerning our family problems is the most important thing we can do every day.  

2. The five minutes rule.

It’s common that new moms are so busy soaking with the sweetness and neediness of our young babies; we became insensitive to our own needs, the needs of our husbands, and their need to be close to us.

Let’s all make a five-minute rule, that is, each day, at least for five minutes, ask how our husbands are doing, did they sleep well last night, what house project they are doing, etc.  Make small talk about showing our concern and care for them. 

3. Heart to heart.

Small talks are great, but for a marriage to work full steam, heart to heart and soul to soul discussions are irreplaceable.

Please don’t simply ask a man: “how are you feeling, honey?” His answer most likely will be: ”Fine.”

Find some time alone with our husbands, or better yet, have a date night, have some uninterrupted discussions:

”Is something bothering you? I would like to know.”

“Is there something I can help you with?”

”I am really stressed out recently, can we talk about this?”

Deep connections comes from deep understanding.  We should not be afraid of being vulnerable, and bare our hearts.

4. Speak the five love languages

If you haven’t, please study the book of five love languages, or at least have you and your husband take the test.  

We each are God’s unique creation.  We each perceive love differently.  The test lets you identify how your spouse perceives love.  

For example, my husband’s love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. He could care less about the act of service and gifts.  

After many years, I finally realized, instead of wasting money and time looking for expensive gifts for him, abundant compliments and encouragement will carry much more weight in his heart. 

And throw in a back massage now and then can go a long way. Lol

5. Praise and Affection!

Our husbands are our soulmates, not our roommates.  

Show our affection and praise them abundantly in front of our kids. They may say, “yuk, mommy kissed daddy.” But in their hearts, they love to see we love each other. By continually showing our affections, we are building our children’s security and confidence in life, which are priceless.

6. Self love.

Find a sitter, or swap some time with another mommy; give ourselves a break, mentally and physically.  I believe the old saying: if momma is not happy, nobody is happy. 

A half-emptied me will not fill my husband’s love tank.  So don’t feel guilty to craft little time for ourselves.

I know all of these are difficult to do with our hectic schedules.  It really boils down to priorities.  

The old adage, “if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”  

So aim for a great marriage.  God wants us to succeed.  Both us and our husbands will benefit, but our children will be blessed beyond measure.  

I hope you find this post helpful, and may God bless your marriage, dear friend.

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4:2-3

Please share:  how do you connect with your husband? 


  1. Lainey klos

    Well said, We know each other’s love languages. We also give each other massages once a month . we try to be in bed around 10 to talk and read the word together. We also pray and worship together. Talking is the biggest thing. And just listening to the other. Yes God,Husband,Kids.

  2. Ying McLane

    It’s awesome that you are doing all those things to keep the connection! God bless you and your sweet family!

  3. Jessica Crowley

    We have taken the love language test and have done couples counseling a couple times. Having a Jesus centered relationship is key, working at that now. Being able to know what our stress is about because of good communication and then praying over it is amazing!

  4. Ashley Doddridge

    Great read! Thank you for sharing. Great reminders for all of us.


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