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The Fear of Making New Frinds When We Step Into Motherhood

by | Oct 20, 2020 | Faith journey, Friendship, Motherhood | 0 comments

We moved down here seven years ago from NYC. The day before our move, we found out our we are going to have twins.

Yes, you guessed right, our lives from that point on were on a rollercoaster.

That year we went through moving to a new state, building a new house, and having new babies, two at a time.

For the first year, every day was like groundhog day.

We got up. We fed the twins (I breastfed them for 17 months. Breastfeeding twins is another whole story of its own). We played with them. Then we put them down for a nap.

It seems like when we put one down, the other one woke up, on and on. So I didn’t have time to think about other things in my life. I was in a survival mode.

In the second year, my life got a little bit easier.

Then I thought: I need to go out there to make friends, and my babies need baby friends too.

My life was busy, but my heart was thirsty for friendships.

So the first place I tried was our church, of course. That didn’t really work out very well.

They did have a mom’s group. Someone finally invited me, and I went to one of their playdates.

When I showed up, there were six or seven moms there.  They were sitting in a closed circle, and everyone was talking to the people in the circle.

It became obvious as I entered the circle, no one wanted to talk to me.

Then I found mops. (mom of preschoolers)

I would love to say that mops and I were love at first sight, but it’s wasn’t. Nothing is that easy, right? Especially friendships.

The first several meetings I went to –I sat there, I listened to the speakers, then tried to talk to people, but I felt like nobody really wanted to talk to me, nobody was really interested in me.

I remember while driving to mops, my heart would be gripped by fear and anxiety–what if nobody wants to talk to me again?

But there was a voice in my head telling me: just give one more try.

So I persisted. I went to meeting after meeting after meeting.

Then finally, in one meeting, a light bulb clicked in my head.

The speaker talked about fear vs love. 

Fear of rejection is my root problem. But in the love of Christ, there should be no room for fear. 

What I found out was, because of fear, I focused on myself way too much.

Now that I look back, I can see that I can’t really blame anyone else for my failure of making friends. 

I was timid.

My accent was even worse back then. Hard to believe, right?

And I just came through that fog of survival for the first year, so I forgot all my social skills.

Plus, being the only Asian person in this group made me pretty self-conscious.

As a result, I feel like a stranger, an outsider trying to break in.

It was like I put an invisible mirror in front of me, all I can see is my self, all I can think was whether people would like me, whether people will be interested in me, and me, me, me, me.

And the more I thought of me, the more nervous I was, and more anxiety I have.

But in Christ, our mirror should be flipped outwards, we should shine the light for the other person, we should think about–how could I show my love and compassion to others. 

And when I focus on other people, I have no room left for fear. 

I need to emphasize that my mops group has been my biggest cheerleader over the years.

The then Mops coordinator invited me to be on the steering team in my second year. 

I was feeling very honored and thought I was validated and accepted.

So if I, as an immigrant, could feel that I can fit in, anyone can fit in.

From having fear and anxiety in meeting new people, to where I am today, I have four points that helped me to over come fear. 

  1. Have a close relationship with the Lord. Read your Bible, join Bible study, know who we are in Christ.

We are all children of God, sisters in Christ.

With that truth firmly planted in our hearts, everything else will eventually fall into place.

2 Pray to God to choose our friends. Give up your own efforts, surrender your self in the friend-making business. Because He always has a better plan.

 Pray to God: God, now you choose my friends because every time I try to pick my own friends, it didn’t turn out very well, so I leave that to you.

3 Know that people care about the real you.

I used to think: If I lose ten pounds of weight, if I dress more fashionable, if I speak better English, if I know more about the American culture, or if I learn to have better conversational skills, then I will have more friends.

And when someone wants to hang out with me, I will question: why would she want to hang out with me? Because I am the only Asian person in the room, so she feels that she has to be nice to me?

See, insecurity is built in every one of us.

Those are false assumptions.

Know this: your real friends are your friends because of you, because the person inside of you because they know you.

They don’t care about your accent; they don’t care about your skin color; they don’t care about where you come from.

They just like you.

4 Don’t be afraid of stepping out and stepping up. This matches mops’ theme this year, decide to rise.

I see year after year mops steering team members retire, and a new group of moms steps up, devote their time to serve, follow the calling of our Lord. This is a beautiful thing to see.

That’s also the reason I recently started my blog with Jill and Nicole. 

When God put the seeds in my heart at the end of last year, I was scared. Because I thought: what if no one wants to read my stuffs.  And if people read my blog, they will know so much more about me than I know about them.

But guess what? God’s plan is always better than mine. I am blessed to have Nicole and Jill do this blog with me together.

And I am so glad I started the blog, I have a platform to share about my journey, and spread the good news of His kingdom. 

So girls, remember, if you have fear in your heart, first work on having a close relationship with the Lord, and everything else will fall into place.

Then pray to God to choose friends for you, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, don’t be afraid to be the real you, and don’t be afraid of stepping out and stepping up.

”There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ”

1 john 4:18: 

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